Truth Behind my Fairytale

After seeing The Holiday yet again I sat in my silent house tonight and realized why I desperately believe in fairytales...these obnoxiously cheesy, yet purely crisp and honest words crossed my mind:

It’s there, in the very moment I let myself be that girl in the movies, the only dialogue a slight English accented whisper, that I can literally feel my heart in my chest. It’s in the pieces of make believe that I feel most at home within myself.

Christmas Time is Here

As soon as we grabbed a cart for some night before Thanksgiving groceries, I thought of my previous post predicting the Freeman household festive day. It wasn't until we got to the back of the store that it made me laugh. I can't believe it took me a month away from home and a short year since our last Thanksgiving to remember that nothing is ever as expected, and that in itself should be expected.

1. Threat of no turkey on Thanksgiving

Mom quickly found the frozen turkey section, but we wanted fresh turkey. Not to worry though, there is always plenty of fresh turkey upon request. I began weaving quickly between browsing, chatting, space prohibiting bodies as I tried to keep sight of the dark-haired woman in a wool sweater on a mission for turkey. When I caught up my mother was hollering hello to a young man behind the meat counter. I got there just in time to see him shake his head in response to her question. No more fresh turkeys.

2. Back-up breakfast

Moving on toward breakfast items, we threw orange rolls in the cart, which are often our holiday treat. Mmm I couldn't wait to wake up and watch the parade while sipping coffee and enjoying a warm roll. Of course I woke up rather to the sounds of Mom's "oh dear..Bruce come look at this". I came downstairs to a scene imagined. I was offered coffee and breakfast was in the oven. But, as we deeply inhaled, the smell of goodness was missing. The expiration date: 2010.

3. 12 delectable rolls..of all shapes and sizes

My time in the kitchen had arrived as I helped my dear mother make rolls. Yet to put on her apron we wore flour instead(and as I later discovered, some dough in my hair). Reaching over each other we used the dough as our clay for craftsmanship.

4. finely chopped celery and onions for the stuffing.

I was then put in charge of chopping celery. Of course I immediately chopped my finger instead, which is when I called in back-up. Dad stood to my left holding my pinky wrapped in towels repeating how crucial it is to apply pressure. His phone rang and he left my side, leaving me with one hand in the air and the other fearlessly chopping, while tears ran down my face caused by staring into the depths of an onion.

5. "I'm thankful for Kathryn because...umm..."

Since our table seated so few this year, we initiated a new tradition. While dads may carve the turkey, moms are in charge of all the Thanksgiving goodness. So my mother stepped up once more and went around the table and said why she was thankful for all of us. She started with me.

In the end, Mom found us turkey, offered cranberry bread for breakfast, remembered the rolls in the oven in the knick of time, took the knife away from me, and kindly fought to find words to describe me. My day began in jeans, transitioned to elastic/stretch, and ended with oversized flannel pants. This indicates that the Freemans pulled off another deliciously traditional Thanksgiving, in a typical untraditional manner.

Christmas Time is (almost) Here

It's starting to get chilly and all of the cafes and bakeries are playing Michael Bublé's holiday specials. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and in my household that officially kicks off the Christmas spirit. The music will resonate through the living room cupboard, Willie Mac will roam the outdoors for thrown out turkey scraps and Teena will follow the perimeter of the counters for the same sort of fallen extras. Mom will undoubtedly slip into Grandma's elegant flower apron while Dad sits on the kitchen floor reading the paper. I'm sure Gramma will still be putting the finishing touches on her pumpkin pies. This year I have been invited into the kitchen. I too will wear an apron and smell for the perfection of the sweet potatoes and stuffing. Happy Thanksgiving.

A Place to Dream

It feels so great to light my candles, get swallowed by the soft glow of lamps, and curl up at my desk. I see blurred outlines in my peripheral, but the clear image in front of me promises to patiently remain a pure white page with one blinking cursor until I decide to fill it with the black letters that are swimming around my mind. For a long time I've wondered why it is that so often when I open my journal or place my fingers on the keyboard I automatically purge feelings about relationships, or truthfully, Chris. For awhile I resented that he filled so many of my recorded memories, but I realized that this sliver of time is when i allow myself to ignore the real world and be true. The real me is a girl that dreams past the stars and the truth is I don't desire reality, because there's always the greatness of what is beyond our realms of comprehension. For awhile Chris was part of my dream. Our future was something that was so close to my finger tips that it made me stand really tall so I could try and reach it. Now, keeping him away forever is a thought that brings the same type of hope. I guess I don't need to apologize for all of this time spent on that single subject. It isn't that I'm caught up in one short breath of time at all, it's that I'm giving myself these few moments to reach for so many more.

Our Friend(ly) Ghost

It remains a surprise to me that the 3 of us didn't wake up in 1 twin bed this morning. After a series of events last night, Rachel established the inevitable conclusion that "the Ark" (our house) has a ghost. We discovered in the same night that Alexis is VERY afraid of any ghostly thoughts. They left me alone so I screamed, which made them scream, which made Alexis run into the desk, which made the grape juice spill, which caused me to run through something wet, which made me scream again because we thought the ghost did it, which ended up with all 3 of us in Alexis' bed. She called a boy, who didn't understand, which was followed by some more screaming as a plastic bag made ghost-like sounds from the fan swooshing by. Once again, homework was put low on the priority list, as my roomies and I moved in a pack for the remainder of the evening.

I'm BACK

Alright here we go. I have spent the last year loving, laughing, crying, worrying, dreaming, texting, calling, and giving into a relationship that left me here. Surprisingly, this is a great place to be. I'll spare you the self-pity moments for now and say that now I cry less than when I was with him. I have had one constant hope since I was dumped via phone call that I have yet to share. My sister told me in the summer that I was gone. The independent, happy, carefree little sister she knew was somewhere lost in a new world of stresses. I stood on my front porch with the phone held to my ear and could only agree. I did nothing about this because I still found myself completely wrapped up in his world. He pushed me out of his world and I didn't want to leave, but I quickly found the exit and realized I was on the other side of the door. I hoped and hoped 3 people in particular could see this. First, my mom. She deserves to have a happy daughter and she alone was enough reason for me to smile and mean it. The second person was my sister. I craved for her to see a better side of her little sister to come back. Hearing those words would reassure me in my weak moments that I'm better now. She brought this subject up last night and that allowed me to see him today and honestly tell him I'm loving life. Of course I must include Rachel. I can be a real friend to her now. I don't have to ask her to understand why I'm leaving every time I walk out the door and I don't have to fill her time with pointless boy stories. I get to make girly memories without a hint of Chris for the first time since I've been at Truman. I'm starting over and God has answered years of prayer. He has ripped another guy out of my life and didn't make me be the one to make the decision to say goodbye.

Title, etc.

Throughout the past couple weeks, I have daily declared a new blog title. My sister and I constantly discuss our "next story" for blogging purposes. There was the time I walked along a highway to give an assumably homeless man food, the $1.25 movie night with a missing child found by his dancing light-up shoes that created his trail throughout the theatre, or the game of cornhole that left my hamstring sore for days. My adventures have lead to downtown Raleigh where I may have become part of a bridal party in the background of photographs and into the heart of downtown Fuquay-Verena where I watched my sister correct inconsiderate lady. I chased a deer once and recited Eminem with a 30 year old man. Then there was last night, the night my big sister showed me how to break the law.

We started out extremely innocent. An afternoon at the pool with some friends was at the top of our agenda. A few incidents later and the pool was closed for the afternoon. We gave up on our tan and accepted a day of walking downtown, but one thing couldn't be changed. We needed grilled chicken. The grills were locked in with the pool. Not only were signs bolted into the fence informing us of the closed pool, there was literally a chain to prevent entrance. I laughed in the face of the chain.

January 12, 2012

I just found this blog that I never finished. The story ended with a couple broken signs, priceless photos, and grilled chicken. Stumbling across a little piece of North Carolina was exactly what I needed tonight. I miss that sunshine.

100+

Oh my goodness. My dear friends I do apologize. I have completely failed over the past few months to let the endless realm of cyber space see the most secret corners of my life. Whether you be 1 reader or 10, inquiring to know me more or out of sheer boredom, I have so much to tell you! Last time we chatted I wasn't the happiest of souls. Since then I have moved into a few different places, started a new relationship with the same guy and continued to drink fattening drinks from the one and only Starbucks...all over the country.

Quick Christopher update. To put it simply, he makes me happy. We are just shy of 2,000 miles apart for the summer so there hasn't been any dancing in Walgreens or holding hands lately, but I'm holding onto the belief that this can make us stronger. He has tried so hard to communicate with my dreamlike and removed-from-reality soul and I am counting down the days to July 7th when I will pick him up at the airport for a long (but too short) weekend!

Buuuut, I don't want to count to0 quickly, because if I keep my eyes on that road, I'll forget to look around and see what's passing by me now. I registered for my sophomore year as a college student, finished by freshman year, moved back home, road a train by myself for the first time, moved into my duplex for next year, then packed up the car and started my most recent adventure...1,000 mile road trip with dad.

The first story he told was of our floating car. My dad has a strange obsession with the mechanics close to our house. He takes our cars there at the faintest of worry. My bags were packed at the front door and I had already given Gramma goodbye hugs when I got the phone call. Dad was crossing the bridge and on his was to the shop because of a "steering problem" that was too in depth to discuss. I translated this into meaning he didn't understand what the gentleman told him on the phone so I simply frowned and waited by my bags without asking questions. I made fun of his worries later and that's when we started "floating". "Sometimes when you turn corners," he explained, "there is somewhat of a floating sensation". "Oh no!" I exclaimed. "Are we going to grow wings??" He didn't appreciate my sarcasm. My dad, my hero. Thanks to him I can rest assured that my engine will stay safely on the highway and I don't have to worry about floating. Other cars might want to watch out for that though. Newest technology folks, flying cars. At this point I offered to drive, half for our safety, half so I could turn up the music and feel the wind in hair. He surprisingly said I could when I wanted, but I decided a nap would first be necessary. This time I was the one being mocked. Apparently sleeping 10 minutes into an adventure is unacceptable behavior. For the next 2 days I begged to drive, to which I received negative responses. The only times he agreed, he saw my head on my pillow and knew I wouldn't take the responsibility of hurling our Avalon down the interstate in my sleepy state. We had at least a dozen potty breaks, to which I requested 1, explored downtown Louisville (where dad questioned a local in a curious and somewhat oblivious tone about the University of Louisville being located in Louisville), stopped for a sign that read "scenic view", and compared yahoo maps, mapquest directions, and the garmin... none of which were comparable. It was a long, but worthwhile trip as now I get the pleasure of drinking coffee and blogging in a new state. It's a hot one in North Carolina, feels like 100+ and I won't complain for a second. I've been exploring all day and tomorrow will arrive at my second day at MDCC where I am interning for the summer.

I have so many things to look forward to, but I must be careful not to hit fast forward. I have goals this summer, which I look forward to discussing with you next time. I am living with my best friend and her husband and taking every opportunity to be grateful for where I am in this very moment. Well, actually, at this very moment this chair is getting a little uncomfortable. Perhaps it's a sign I should bid you farewell. I would like to leave you with one more thought. My word this summer is "understand(ing)". It is filling my prayers, curiosity, and post-it notes. If I can grasp that word and make it a part of my character, if I can truly understand, I would be a much more pleasant person to many pleasant and not-so-pleasant people.

Goodbye friends, the pleasure has been mine.

Dear You

Tonight I went to hear a speaker and wanted to turn around and walk out as soon as I sat down. The first sentence I heard was "I'm sure some of you have experienced heartache". "Too soon!" I wanted to yell. The speaker said I need to be completely vulnerable and to take a few Tylenol. I've checked half of it off the list, here's the other half.

Dear You,

I want more of my heart back and less of the ache. But, if the ache is what you want me to go through to get to the other side, I will. All of the sources say I should play hard to get, but I can't chance you watching me walk away again. I can't give you that ultimatum of stopping me or losing me. I know all the stories and magazines say I should "be glamorous" and "move on with my life". I tried, but today I couldn't even fake a smile for my boss. So I'm living my life, but I'm asking you to come along. This isn't a cool girl act, but this is honesty. I want you, please want me.

Come Thou Fount

A couple years ago I noticed that during every soccer game I'd find myself subconsciously singing these lyrics in my head. This has carried into other aspects of my life. Without thought, when stress enters, so do these words. In this I will always find comfort.

Come thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount

I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer,

Here by Thy great help I've come.

And i hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God.

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood (precious blood).

Oh that day when freed from sinning

I shall see Thy lovely face.

Clothe it then in blood washed linen

How I'll sing thy sovereign grace.

Come my Lord no longer tarry

Take my ransom soul away.

Send Thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless days.

Oh to grace how great a debtor

Daily i'm constraint to be!

Let Thy goodness like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander Lord i feel it

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above.

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above.

Leap of Faith

A leap of faith..

First you'll lose your breath when you see how far the drop is.

There will be tears, I promise you that.

Don't worry though, the wind will dry those tears and erase every fear.

Your arms will flail, you'll kick your legs. But try to stay still and watch everything speeding by.

You'll see life.

You wanted to stay at the top, looking for the bottom.

But, you took the leap and saw everything in the middle.

Suddenly, you stopped looking for the end.

Yet another list

We all make lists. I'm not the color coordinated, post-it note, perfectly organized type, but I'm just like you because we all make lists. We list homework, goals, grocery necessities, daily tasks, etc. In fact, lists have been a reoccurring theme in my blog. What I don't see, or talk about often is how to stay happy at all times. I'm prepared for a boring day with a kite in my back seat, I have a book bag full of books just in case I have a spare moment. But, sometimes your best friend is busy working, your boyfriend will need "me time" and a date with video games, homework won't sound fun, and winter will prevent the flying of a kite. What then?

1. Sing 2 songs: 1. a song that has notes you can reach and makes your feel good and sassy

2. turn this song all the way up so you can scream it, love it, and not hear how awful you sound. Stay away from screamo though..that's scary

2. Let yourself cry, then look in a mirror and laugh at your slowly contorting face. Ugly cry = supa hott

3. Create a surprise for the person you miss, which is the reason you're sad, but it will be reversed if you make something pretty and happy.

4. "...love life and joyously live each day to it's ultimate good." - I see you Alpha sisters!

5. sit pretzel style in leggings while drinking tea..you'll feel artsy

6. Read likealittle.com and tell yourself you are every single girl mentioned. Everyone loves you!

7. Read Isaiah 40:28-31. Then read it in another language, just for kicks and giggles.

8. Pretend you like "me time" (which I actually despise and don't believe in) and start a journal. It's so fun to look back at the dates of special occasions!

9. highlight absolutely everything in your planner. If you're like my sister, you can have a little "key" at the top of the page specifying what each color represents.

10. Tell yourself you rock, and believe it.

Next time you find yourself reaching for the kleenex to wipe your tears are everything that goes wrong or nothing that goes right, think of this list and pick one thing. I want to hear you giggle again.

11. Blog about being happy...CHECK

Kat

Run Away

Today is one of those days I'd just like to escape. There is nothing bad about it really, but the sky is gloomy and the building of pressure isn't something I want to deal with at the moment. In a way I'm feeling quite successful. It's 1:40 P.M. and I've already been to work, 3 classes, a meeting with my Chem. prof. and did some Chem. reading while eating lunch. Not to mention, I've officially gone a week without crying over pointless/unknown causes. So, it's true, "life is good". I am content. Buuut, today I was in a student union building filled with people and I had my phone by my side. Yet, I sat alone and my texts weren't met with replies. So often I look at look at Chris and tell him we should run away, just leave campus. Of course I'm only kidding, but today that thought doesn't seem so awful. I could be invisible by choice.

But, I do have one happy thought....

There's always tomorrow, or heck, 5 minutes from now. Knowing me, I could be happy as a clam by that point. Actually, scratch that. I WILL BE happy as a clam. Well that's rather exciting, don't ya think?

Better already,

Kat

'92 Cherokee on the road again

I'm so excited for Fuel tonight! I've always loved my home church, but for many years I never really connected with youth group. I wasn't the girl that showed up early and stayed late. But, God has blessed me these past few months with a group of girls to not only go to church on Sundays with, but Monday night Fuel and Tuesday Bible study as well. My car officially has too few seats to fit everyone and I absolutely love it! Having the chance to worship with the people I do life with everyday is an amazing experience and I can't wait to start filling up the trunk with the overflow of gals:)

Disclaimer

I feel as if I should apologize for the purging of the flowery, feel good, mushy stuff lately. I have been loving the chance to live in my dream world, but let's admit it...it's been excessive. So, a few more sides of reality that is ever present in my life.

1. I have political opinions (it's true, I watch the news).

2. I spend hours a day studying and, sometimes, I complain.

3. While my perfect man and I have yet to have our first fight, we have had confrontations.

I realize life is imperfect; maybe that explains why I make my posts so cheesy. Sometimes it's fun to try and reverse the irreversible. I fight stress by pretending it doesn't exist. Sorry if it has made you gag a time or two.

Kat

Stepping on toes

I'm the kind of gal that dreams of dancing, but ends up stomping. The first time I slow danced with a guy I'm pretty sure I took a ride on his toes. It's cute when little girls stand on their daddy's feet buuuut then there's me. It was so unfair because it was that awkward stage where all girls are taller than ALL boys. So i just looked down on him while pretending my hair was blowing in the wind, when really it was falling out of the bobby pins from my abrupt stumbles. But, that didn't stop me from dancing to the melodies in my head, dreaming of pretty princesses and fairytales, even at age 18. I got the chance to step on toes again a few days ago when I went to Walgreens for stamps and ended up being twirled through the aisle as my boy took my hand and stopped life long enough to spin with me amongst the Hallmarks.

Never stop dancing, because one day the song in your head may be the song coming through the speakers and someone might hear it and grab your hand. Don't be afraid to step on toes, because one day that boy might grow tall enough to grab your heart.

kat

fix-its

Recipe for a happier soul:

unlimited cups of hot tea

fuzzy blanket(s)

shaved legs

painted nails

cookie dough

mom

Recipe for a happier body that needs to rock a bikini by march:

NO COOKIE DOUGH

...my soul is very happy right now

sadly satisfied,

Kat

Undefined

I learned something about myself today...I can't be defined. I tried to redesign my blog to the best of my technologically challenged ability. Much to my dismay, I could not find a "kathryn" background. But then I came across linen. Immediately I fell in love! Just as fast as my excitement rose, it sank; I saw myself as a young vibrant dreamer, settling with linen. I blame it on my mother's love for pottery barn, my sister's infatuation with being chic, and my father's keen eye for fabrics. Am i simply a beige slate that has no pattern, no excitement? No, no..i'm half that. I found the beauty in simplicity. To spice it up I added the "homemade apple" font. One, because I really like food and my gramma's apple pies, and two, because it screams Anne of Green Gables. It's whimsical and at times difficult to read which is perfect because I'm truly tickled by the whimsy of life so much so that I scribble all of feelings in ways that aren't always comprehendible/legible. So, you see, I may have been searching for utterly urban or shamelessly chic, but in the middle I found a bunch of tan and pages of loop-d-loop letters. A little bit of everything and completely undefinable:)

Find a little you in a little of everything,

Kat

"Confidence is the goal, not the cotton candy of self esteem. Confidence grows like well-formed muscles on a long distance runner. Confidence is not bequeathed to you. It is earned through time."

-David Barrett

Chem for Dummies PLEASE

Everything in my life just kinda happens. I pretend to make decisions and when people ask "what made you choose..." I go with it and answer accordingly. But, I have a secret, I don't get a chance to choose anything. I am currently in Chem. 100 because I tried to take Ag. The dreaded day arrived, registration day. I already felt behind because everyone seemed to have all of their schedules/overrides taken care of. It was noon and I'd yet to even have a tentative schedule. But, I stood up tall from my desk at work, grabbed my notebook (after having dps unlock the office due to my locking my possessions within) and walked to the professor's office, where I would smoothly plead my case for getting an override in Ag. I did just that, but he started shaking his head. "I teach Chem." This is where most people blush, lower their heads and walk out to find the correct office. But, in my asthmatic, flustered way, I raised my head, smiled, sweated, and said "okay that works too!" So now I sit in the center of the 4th row in a building that smells like a hospital. I do love the story that got me to this place and I am quite determined to make it a joyful ride. But then again, I suppose that's not for me to decide.

In a Land Not So Far Away

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, a guy met a gal. Tall (and muscley) he stood before her, using his delicate blue eyes to entrance her. She was an independent soul and stayed away from the handsome figure…except for their long walks at night. The pursuit began and suddenly her little corner of the world in what she planned on calling home for the next 4 years started overflowing with flowers and notes, which lead to hints, that lead to more surprises. Eventually, they stayed up for hours every night telling stories and using homework as a responsible excuse to be up so late. They became the best of friends. She loved the friendship she had… she thought of them as kindred spirits. But one day he walked into her room, her space, in no way apologetic for the barging and exclaimed that he would not give up. He told her she was his. She sat quietly and listened, but little did he know, she was dancing inside. Their documented story began on October 30, 2010. Naturally, in her graceful manner, she begged him not to choose this night to ask her the simple question that would make her his and only his for an indefinite amount of time. But he promised adventure and she trusted his timing was best. So she said yes and again felt reassured in his arms. However, it’s the story before that night that hasn’t been shared. It could easily be mistaken with Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, or any other Disney creation. A boy pursued a girl. The girl fell for the boy. And on December 5 their story began again when he whispered 3 little words into her ear. Of course, she gasped and exclaimed, “DON’T”, foolishly mistaken once more, for his timing he’d already proven perfect. So they live on happily…

Welp

I used to long for the day boredom would embrace me. I yearned to sit on a couch and stare at a ceiling or perhaps mindlessly twirl my hair while watching an over-watched rerun of Friends. I had plans to become a master cellist during these breaks from life; i'd learn the art of cooking, read a book, become an artist and essentially mark my fingerprint in the world. Then, Christmas break 2010 happened. I tried to defy my clock by sleeping in like any normal young adult such as myself. I can't help that I like the sound of birds and the feeling of sun on my face of an early morn! Why can't I too desire a dark dungeon and hours of uninterrupted sleep? At least that would cut into my hours of eating mindless sweets filled with chocolate, peanut butter, sugars galore, disgusting yummies of sort. What's even worse is..I'm also becoming one of them, the shoppers. Just yesterday I relentlessly laughed at my sister for obsessing over jcrew sales and today I find myself waiting for the oh-so-important semi-anual you know what sale starting Jan. 4, TOMORROW! But while I wait, I'm left once more on the couch, fighting off the newest addition to our kitchen, coffee cake. Today is a new day and while I may not be impressing the boy's family with my newest chef-like creations (like chris did with my family), I will conquer my own evils. Today i shall read a book and today I shall eat less. A new me is on the way. Boring or not, here I come.

Embrace boredom,

Kat